The Same Breath

You're here and I see you.

You look as you always do, awake smiling and alert.

I see you. I see the dimness in your eyes and I know in that moment that there is a weight where your heart is struggling to beat. The effort to pump out oxygenated and refreshed blood to deliver energy and strength to your organs, your muscles and even to the brain that fuels your thoughts. 

The weight is too heavy. It is there and it remains. Through good moments even, merely forgotten only to be felt again as the good moments fade and the stillness returns. 

So heavy and draining. 

It's not exhaustion and it is not fatigue. 

It is a perpetual tiredness that drags like an anchor let down on a ship struggling to set sail. 

Your lips are not parched; you are not thirsty.

Your belly is full.

Yet here you are in this state. Existing.

Grateful, yet sad. Surrounded by people that make you happy and bring you joy. 

Yet something is left unfulfilled. 

A space that is empty and has been for a while. The contents ripped out and permanently discarded. Many efforts and attempts have been made to fill the space, yet the material once inhabiting that void is irreplaceable- one of a kind, never able to be replicated.

And on you go. Walking through life. Experiencing the joy and pain in the same breath.